Until the Real Thing Comes Along...

BELA thots 01

2009-08-02T11:07:00.003+08:00

Saw these posts in Ate's blog...my spoiled pamangkin is so funny... :)

Ate: “What do you like to be when you grow up?”
Bela: “I want to be a policeman.”
Ate: “Oh really. You don’t want to be a doctor?”
Bela: “No. I want to be a policeman.”
Ate: “Why?”
Bela: “Because I want to put all the kulit people in a cage. Like lolo Ben, tito, lolo june and tatay lito”

==

Bela: “Mommy can I talk to you?”
Ate: “Yes, sure we can talk.”
Bela: “Did you know that rooster can’t give us eggs because he is a male chicken.”
Ate: “Oh, I did not know that. Thanks for telling me.”

==

I accidentally step on her foot and so I said:

Ate: “Oh, I am sorry Bela. Will you forgive me?”
Bela: “That’s ok mommy. It’s only an accident.”

==

Bela: “Teacher says that is means one and are is for many”
Ate: “Toys? Is or are?”
Bela: “Are”
Ate: “Animals”
Bela: “Are”
Ate: “Children”
Bela: “Are”

Howell bought a planet mobile for Bela.

Howell: “Do you like your planets?”
Bela: “Yes. They are my favorite thing in the whole world.”
Howell: “When we go to the mall, we will buy plenty of glow in the dark sun and stars and I will put it beside your planets.”
Bela: “You can not have many moons. One moon and many stars. OK?”

===

Bela, while playing with the Puppy in My Pocket Dog house that her Tito Jp gave to her last Christmas.

Bela: “Tigyaw (that is how she calls her Tito Jp) gave me this dog house. I love Tigyaw. He is the most marvelous person in the whole world.”

===
One morning, before we go to work:

Ate: “Bela, I have to go to the office of. I have to work so I will earn money.”
Bela: “Don’t leave me mommy. I love you. I love you. I want you here. Please, please.”

===
Bela: “Mommy, I want to go shopping with you.”
Ate: “Shopping??” (Wondering where did she learn that.)
Bela: “Yes, I am a girl and girls go shopping together.”
(Patay. Howell might faint when he hears this. He now has two shopaholic girls in the house.)

wishlist...

2009-06-07T03:15:00.002+08:00

I hate it when people ask me why I'm still single...
Or when they ask what it is I'm looking for...
For the former, I don't know the answer...
But for the latter, here's my list...

I WANT SOMEONE WHO...

wakes up with me in mind...
falls asleep with me as his last thought...
would still want to take care of me even when I say I can take care of myself...
is willing to hear my rants & raves...
will let me have some alone time...
will respect my independence...
will treat me like a princess...
can challenge my mind with good conversations...
has a good relationship with his family, especially his mom...
lights up when he sees me...
makes me smile just by thinking of him...
will love my craziness
will make mw a better person...
is not afraid or intimidated by my success...
will take me places...
will dare me to go outside my comfort zone and have fun...
will always make me feel "found"...

so next time someone asks...read my blog! :)

little things...

2008-06-15T01:12:00.002+08:00

With you, I’m just so easy to please…
The littlest of things can really take me over…
Your smile…
You being there when I need you…
And you going out of your way to help me…
Hayyy…
The chemistry that we have…
It’s so undeniable and so irresistible…
I know it’s purely platonic…
But you makes me smile…
So what the hey…
:)

ang ibidensya

2008-04-27T17:56:00.000+08:00

due to insistent public demand...heto na po ang ibidensya...for your verdicts... HAHAHA!

TEMPORARY MADNESS

2008-04-21T23:02:00.004+08:00

DISCLAIMER:
It was a really really LOOONNNGGG & BAAADDDD day, and at the end of it i badly needed a HUG! That's my official excuse!
Hay! Hay! Hay! I don't know what got to me really, it was such a stupid thing to do...so i don't know why i did it! :( I want to throw up everytime i think about it! But what the hey! it's over and done! everybody witnessed it, there's even some stupid pics to remind me of it forever... so might as well just SUCK IT UP!

So here goes, this is what happened...straight from the horses mouth...

After a long crappy and tiring day at the office, i decided to go out on this supposedly "blind date" for me fixed up by my friends from my previous building (they're desperate to see me "hooked", so for them New Engineer=New prospect for me). So we went to dinner (together with all my other friends ofcourse, they're our chaperons apparently: all 9 of them) ...had some drinks and finally decided to go out and sing.

There at the videoke place, they decided to play a game for the "couples", we should dance and whoever is the sweetest would get a cash prize...He's game, so i'm game too...it's taxi money after all! We danced...and sleepy, tired, STUPID me...LEANED on him the whole time....*just threw up in my mouth*
And to top it all off, there are pictures to back it up and prevent me from pretending it never happened! Whooooo!

But as i said, I'm sucking it up! I don't know how long I'll be throwing up in my mouth everytime I remember this...BUT...I plead TEMPORARY MADNESS

dilemma

2008-04-07T20:53:00.010+08:00

i'm in a sort of crazy mood lately...
been receiving a lot of "Seriously!?!" from friends...
there's this thing...
i don't usually play like this so i don't know the rules...
but i keep playing anyway...
i'm not sure if what i'm doing is right or not...
i know my limitations though...
it's driving me crazy...
but the hedonist in me is satisfied as long as you keep me smiling...

i'm in a dilemma...

iv'e always been a "REAL THING" girl...

I want the real thing

Or nothing at all

I need someone that I can be sure will catch me

If I should fall

Someone who'll be there when I call

Then I'll know that it's the real thing

the "ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD" girl...

All i need is to know it's for sure

Then i'll give all the love in the world

But right now...

Just for now...

Until the REAL THING comes along...

I'd rather be "NEXT TO YOU"

Late at night when i close my eyes

Make believing that you are here

Dreaming of the things we do

If i could get next to you

In my mind, ooh I've kissed you

And it feels like a thousand times

I'd lose track of all the hours

Wishing and hoping

That I could get next to you

a wish a wish a wish wish wish...

2008-02-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Before 9AM this morning...my day was done...solb na birthday ko!
I was expecting a greeting...I knew it would be a huge disappointment if i don't get a greeting from you...

And then...
there you were on the phone, flirting! DAMN!!! I wasn't expecting that!
I know you were just playing with me...but I'm game! Bring it on!
It was too cute...what you did...what you said...kept me smiling the whole day...DAMN!

ask again...you might get a YES this time! (YUN!!) Hahahaha!

P.S.
was just wishing for a text greeting...
that would have been enough for me...
but you just had to do that...
thanks for reminding me not to settle...

P.P.S
behold my horoscope for today... hahaha!

Aquarius
Instead of focusing on having a sizzling affair, be happy with a warm connection.

Hmmm....but i want things that sizzle!!! :)

BUBBLY MOMENTS...

2008-01-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

U make waking up early easy...
I look forward to seeing you everyday...
U have the perfect smart&yabang combo...
I wish I could get to know you more...
U intimidate me...
I wish you could get to know me...
U make me blush...
I hope I make you smile too...
U really really help me get thru my day!!!

You were there right at the exact moment when i needed something else to make me get up evryday looking forward to something...
I know that this might not get off anywhere but really, I'm just happy with the diversion...
I'm not sure what you think of me, or how you see me...
But seriously... seeing that very cute smile everyday is enough for me...
That's just what I need right now...
:)

BAD DAY...

2008-01-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago, while drinking some deadly albino tequila after a dozen jelo shots, a friend playfully made a prediction that one day this year, i'll get really pissed at work. who would have thought that day would come so soon (actually, i didn't think her predictions would come true at all...hahaha!)

The first time they called my attention, i admitted my mistake and promised to come in earlier. And after that, i really come in the office at 8:30 or 8:45 at the latest. and that in itself is an achievement for me already... i know i'm not yet there, but hey...i'm close to getting there. So, it was royally frustrating when i got called in again for another talk. Apparently, whatever improvement i have made still has no bearing. I still have to kiss some ass! PWEH!!! I don't play that game! I never had...never will!!! I work my ass off everytime im at the office. I provide the best service i could give... and I deserve whatever measly amount of increase i am due for my transfer. Nobody needs to beg on my behalf for me to get it. If they are saying that they'd rather let go of their good people just because of the....FINE!!! I'll be happy to look for another job, it's long overdue anyway! i have already compromised so much for them. It's time for me to fine other things that will make me happier. How or what it is...i still don't know! But I HAVE to do it! I know i have to do it for me...

BREATH...JUST BREATH...

2008-01-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

I can't breath...it's so difficult...soooo tiring!!! Now i'm really not fine! I haven't been fine for a while...my life is not fine! This is the reason i take life a day at a time...no long term planning...no over thinking...cause everytime i try and examine it...it's crazy...it's scary...it's damaged! Sooo damaged!!! i don't know if it can even be repaired...if anyone can fix it...can fix me! I can't breath! I am not even sure if i want to...

*if i was drowning...i would have drowned...too bad i don't have a McDreamy to save me... :(

SCARY AND DAMAGED

2007-10-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

Been "blog"gone for a while, actually been "blog"gone for a year!!! And to think that during that period I've had three plane rides - to Bohol, Boracay, and Hong Kong; transferred houses AND workplace; celebrated a birthday; been wrongfully accused of being a mistress; actually thought of being a mistress (changed my mind 5 seconds after though, oh and am talking bout two different guys!); learned how to flirt; learned how to stop flirting; had a death in the family...oh and that's just to name a few of the bloggable things i should've blogged about! But oh well, i've just had my DSL installed so you'll soon be hearing all the other menial things happening in my life! Hahaha!

Now to the scary and damaged part...

I've always had the tendency to be an escapist! And I have lots of false memories! Scary combination! Makes me delusional at times. And sometimes it shocks me when reality happens! Like this family drama with my dad that I keep on not remembering and I never want to talk about. But sometimes, reality catches up with you and you have no choice but to face it... It caught up with me this afternoon and, like the escapist that I am, I will face it tomorrow.

How about that for a "come back" blog?

P.S.
Saw at E! that Angelina Jolie and I have this thing in common! DAMN!!! Why couldn't it have been Brad?!?

P.P.S.
I know you guys will be worried when you read this, but I'm FINE! And that's not the escapist me talking...It's the cold, scary and damaged me... Just kidding! I'm fine! SERIOUSLY!!! :)

MIGS

2006-09-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

para sa mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal ng lubusan, sobra sobra hanggang sa dumating na sa punto na ubos na ang sarili nila...

para sa mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal ng mga taong may mahal ng iba...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagmamahal ng mga taong di karapat-dapat mahalin...

para sa mga kaibigan nagmamahal na lang ng mga taong di naman talga nila mahal...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagmamahal dahil takot sila magisa...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagpapakababa ng sarili para lang hindi mawala ang mga taong mahal nila...

para sa mga kaibigan kong laging nagpaparaya sa mga mahal nilang ni minsan ay di nagparaya para sa kanila...

para sa inyo itong lahat...

ANG PINAKAMASARAP NA MAGMAHAL AT MAHALIN AY ANG ATING MGA SARILI! NANINIWALA PA RIN AKO NA HINDI MO KELANGAN NG LALAKE PARA MAGING LUBUSANG MASAYA AT KUMPLETO ANG BUHAY MO. KELANGAN MO LANG PASAYAHIN AT MAHALIN ANG SARILI MO. HANAPIN MO ANG IYONG MGA PANGARAP ATTUPARIN MONG LAHAT ITO! UTANG MO YUN SA SARILI MO...SA BUHAY MO! AT KUNG MAKAKAKITA KA NG LALAKE NA SASAMAHAN KA SA PAGTUPAD NG MGA PANGARAP MO...MAGALING!

AT OO, MERONG GANUNG LALAKE NA HAHAYAAN KANG MAGING IKAW, AT MAMAHALIN KA DAHIL IKAW IKAW! MERON NUN! HINDI SYA ILUSYON O PANAGINIP! HINDI SYA SA LIBRO O SA TV LANG MAKIKITA!

WE ALL DESERVE TO BE LOVED AS MUCH AS WE LOVE OURSELVES! WE SHOULDN'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT!

like a bad relationship...

2006-09-10T12:52:00.000+08:00

I was so decided to leave...it's not woth it anymore! I slave myself but in the end everything would still be my fault. I give all I have to give and all i get in return are more troubles than i could bear... EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH UP TO ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT! I wanna get iut so badly!

BUT! The thing is everything is up to me...everyone depends on me! It's up to me to make things better for everybody. And again my Superman comples kicks in!

A great task lies before me...I knew this from the very beginning...the problem is I still don't know how to accomplish this task. But what I do know is that if I leave, if I leave this people behind, it would only get worst!

so now i have to choose: to be selfish and run away for self preservation...or be selfless and sacrifice my freedom for the sake of these people I came to love...

rebel

2006-08-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

was recently at a validation interview regarding this psych test i took...funny thing was it proved that i really am abnormal...hahaha...there was this one test there that would usually result to a V-shaped graph...and i think i'm the only one in the company to get the inverted V graph...hahaha...it means daw that i'm a rebel...a non-conformist...super glad! i thought i lost that feisty girl...but she's still there... hahaha!

totally bitched out on my boss the other day...and it felt so damn good! and this was before i even got the results of my psych test!

oh wellz...the only thing left for me to do is to get out of the dump i'm in and fly far away!!!

techie tech

2006-08-15T19:06:00.000+08:00

finally got aroung to editing the look of my blog...and i gotta admit it's quite addicting!
so how d'ya like the new look of my blog? haha!
now if only i can find where the comments went and where my archive is...
ahm lal? Help!
Hahaha!

third wheeler

2006-08-15T18:45:00.000+08:00

Everybody's hooking up with everyboy else...and as usual, i always end up as the third wheel!

Don't get me wrong, I'm sincerely happy for my friends who are finally experiencing their "kilig" moments...everyone needs that moment! Those moments that has you waking up smiling, those moments that make you feel loved...

I love the life I have right now...I love the freedom and independence...

But sometimes, just sometimes,

when i find myself sitting at dinner between a couple and a would-be couple,

it's just a wee bit sad to see that no one is sitting beside you!

It get's lonely at times when you get that phone call from a friend telling stories of her kilig moments and you don't have a moment of your own to rave about.

sometimes, I really just can't help but long for it...Haaaay!

but i guess it just comes with the vow to not settle for anything lesss that what i deserve...

that's why i'm still waiting...

and i'll never get tired of waiting...

until the real thing comes along...

and still my prayer is "Lord, please keep him safe!"

somewhere out there...

2006-08-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

i received a real sad text from my friend yesterday...i so can feel her frustrations and loneliness...and i hate it that i can't do anything about it...i'm just too far away to give her the comfort that she needs...hay...growing up is such a sad lonely stage...

Superman

2006-08-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

top 5 reasons why i LOVE superman...

5) because he's so damn HOT!!! and rarely weak (just around kryptonites, and admit it, it's a verrry rare stone...)

guess i need someone who would always be strong...someone who would insist to be strong for me eventhough i insist i can be strong for myself...

4) because he can turn back time...

3) because he's both Clark Kent AND Superman
the eternal paradox...opposite but the same...so reminds me of me...

2) because he made Lois fly...
can you read my mind....love that song! he shares his triumph with the one he loves and does not feel threatened by her success...he took her to the stars...

1) because he loved one woman so completely it is as though he would die without her...
for someone as strong as him, someone who can dodge bullets and carry the world...he depends his entire being on her...now that's love...

Dearest Justine,

was a bit teary eyed when i finished reading your blog

gosh i miss you so...

you never fail to make sad things look hopeful...

love you friend!

it's just life...

2006-08-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

(wrote this last July 5, 2006)

I use to never cry at movies or TV soaps, but I had one good cry tonight when I saw the latest One Tree Hill episode...the one where Ellie died. And I mean its one good cry, not just a couple of sobs, but really cry my hearts out cry! The last time I cried like that was when I saw Stepmom...after mom! Just goes to show there’s only one thing in this world that could make me cry...DEATH. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to die...everybody dies! I know that. And dying could not be such a bad thing, right? But what makes me cry everytime someone dies in the movies is seeing the people they leave behind…and knowing how hard it’s gonna be for them to ever be happy again! One good thing Ellie said in that scene when she was comforting Peyton was to "focus on the living, every good song ends but it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the music... there's nothing to be afraid of...IT'S JUST LIFE!"

but i'm still afraid...:c God I miss my mom so much!!!

my happy thought...

2006-08-06T10:43:00.000+08:00

the other day, my friend was ranting that we don't have anymore happy thoughts...i begged to differ so she asked me for my happy thought...it took me a while to remember (as it always did! :) hahaha!...) but here it goes, my happy thought for the year...i wrote this in my journal the last day of my birthday month (damn! that was too long ago i know, but i just got my internet connection back so cut me some slack...hehehe!)

February 27, 2006

MY ONE HAPPY THOUGHT…

Tomorrow is the last day of my birthday month! :c But, gotta admit, my 23rd was one of my best birthdays ever! I felt really special during my day, spending it with my family and my friends made it all worthwhile!!! And the chocolate fondue was just oh so heavenly!!!

And this last Friday, February 24, I got the best birthday gift ever.

You begin growing up when you start letting your dreams die. And dreams die when you settle for something less than what you want and deserve. Over the years, certain circumstances have forced me to grow up! The beauty of it though is when you give up and lose all the time, the moment you get something you’ve dreamt of for so long, you feel so much alive again and everything seems so beautiful and nothing is impossible anymore.

When my brother and I found out that WWE RAW would come here in Manila, it was a dream come true…this is a once in a lifetime event that is so impossible to pass up…we knew we would be there…we bought tickets and even gate crashed at the press conference of Mick Foley at Gateway (hahaha! No pun intended! Another happy thought, so surreal, but really nice…). At the day of the event, Manila was under the State of Emergency, and just when you thought that all civil actions would be concentrated at EDSA, lo and behold…there was a riot of police and protesters at CUBAO…of all places! We almost did not make it to the show…but again, it is something we dare not miss…so after so much drama…we finally arrived at Araneta…

And as if fate is giving us the entrance that the occasion deserves, pyros went up as we were sneaking in the Patron entrance…yes we sneaked in at the 10K with our 3K worth tickets…amazing right! We were shouting and hugging and shouting! Everything was so unbelievably surreal. As if being at ringside was not enough of a lucky break, we even ended up officially having seats because the mom beside us gave us the seats of her two daughters who she said would be standing up through the whole program…

The show was so amazing…seeing those wrestlers, Eugene, Big Show, Ric Flair, they are the guys I watch religiously on TV eversince I was a kid! It was just so amazing! And it has to be said, Triple H is the bomb! His presence was so electrifying…literally the whole crowd was just so overwhelmed when he entered…Angas!

This is one event that would forever be in my memory! Heck if ever I have to produce one mean Patronus, this would be the memory in my mind! This is the happy thought that would make me fly…

No More Excuses...

2006-07-02T12:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday marked the first year anniversary of RockEd Philippines...this is an organzation that I am so proud to be a part of...in my own little way...I know that in every RockEd event I went to, I am doing my small part in nation building... and that small contribution means a lot to my compromised nationalist self...

My pledge from now on is to make less excuses...less excuses in giving back to my country... less excuses in contributing to society... take more action in the RockEd dream of having a more just Philippine society... take more action in helping others live in dignity... take more action in showing my love for my country...

Congrats RockEd!!! Rock on!!!

crazy shit...

2006-06-20T21:49:00.000+08:00

it's one frustrating event after another...i was so pushed to the limit...i could only handle so much...but when it rains...it really pours down on me...shit...

the good thing is, my friends are forever there to make shitty thing seem so funny...i'm so blessed with the best friends there are in this whole wide world...so no matter how crazy things in life might get... i would forever be comforted by the fact the my friends are crazier...hahaha!

I Pray...

2006-06-06T20:57:00.000+08:00

I was in a real serious conversation with one of my bestfriend a few days ago...about my love life!!! Seriously! Hahaha! I think that she was really worried that I still haven't found what I'm looking for...Twenty Three years and nothing still...

It's lonely at times yes...but I have my friends and family...I'm still never totally alone...and I'm fairly happy with my life right now...honestly not looking for that thing yet...but everybody's getting worried already, my friend's, my family...I don't know...should I be worried?

The other day, I told another friend that maybe I'm too bad already...so bad that God is telling me na that "Tessa you're so bad, You'd die alone!!!" Hahaha!!!

My bestfriend was telling me that maybe Im just too choosy, that maybe I don't give it a shot, too reserved looking for that perfect guy! I'm not! I just don't want want to settle for something less than what I feel I deserve...There's already so many things in my life where I've compromised...I refuse to compromise this one...

My officemates told me that I really shouldn't go looking for love...I should just pray for him...not pray for him to come soon...but really pray for him, to pray that God keep him safe always, whoever he is, wherever he may be...Nice no! i think I'll do that...that would be my prayer...

2006-05-24T22:12:00.000+08:00

Lately, there are moments in my life when i want to just drop everything, for my own self preservation, and run faraway!!! Sometimes I just want to stop thinking about others and just be selfish...BUT I CAN'T! I'm just not wired that way...thankfully!! Coz my friend was right, the gratification of doing something that would make a friend truly happy is INCOMPARABLE!!!

Best wishes to my good friend Girlie and her new husband Rennie! Thanks for letting me take part in your wedding! The preparation was stressful, the stress was a rush, and the rush was worth all the stress!!! Good luck to your new life!!!

I've found what I want to do...this is it...celebrating life...joining in other people's momentuos life events! Life is too short to bother yourself with mindless concerns...CELEBRATE, it's the only way to LIVE!!!

FEAR...

2006-05-16T10:27:00.000+08:00

I've just realized that I have lived a very sheltered life...My mom did as best as she could to protect me from all the harsh realities of the world...Not surprisingly, I,ve lived my life like a child, without fear or qualms, because I know, that everything would turn out alright in the end...Unfortunately, when my mom passed away, my shield was gone and I suddenly find myself beset with all sorts of fear...fear of the unknown, fear for my health, fear for my family's wellbeing, fear that i'm only just living a half life, fear that I am not the person I thought I was, fear of failure, fear of fear...

My friend told me that the only thing that's keeping me from what i want is fear...she told me that I only have to summon my courage so I can get out of where I am and move on to greater things...but i can't find my courage...i might have spent it all trying to be ok when mom was sick...or i might never had any courage at all, just the illusion of it...where do i find it? the yellow brick road remains unseen and i still don't have my ruby slippers...

When the pain of not doing something becomes more painful than the fear of doing it, that's the time when you know that you can't put it off much longer...that's when you know that you have to act on it...or you'd die a little

SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

carpe diem...

2006-05-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

such a cliche but with so much truth in it...i've known this fact for so long and yet i still drift through life as though i have all the time in the world...i waste my time waiting and waiting, until the real thing comes along...and making tiny compromises along the way, until I realized that I am less the person that I was...that I have slowly lost myself in the process of making those tiny compromises...

so where do i go from here????

Without HOPE or AGENDA...

2006-05-10T14:02:00.000+08:00

March 24, 2006

TO THE ONE THAT NEVER WAS....Hay!!! I miss him!!! Every time I meEt someone who is not as good as he is, I MISS HIM!!! Has he become the man I compare everyone else against? I never realized that it had come to that! But somehow that has become the case…When I saw again for the nth time “Love Actually”, I found myself crying for the first time at the part portraying the ‘unrequited love’, coz perhaps that’s the only love I know!!! When that guy admitted to his best friend’s wife, without hope or agenda, that he loves her, I was crying my hearts out. I found myself wanting to let that someone know, WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA, that I did love him and he made my life happier just by being the someone who made me smile everytime he wakes me up and made me feel kilig with the smallest of things, by being that one friend who worries whether I get home safe or not!!! I miss you so much everytime I’m with someone who can’t possibly compare to you, and what’s worst, I miss you even for no reason at all…So here it is… my placard for what was almost but not quite there…to the one that got away…

“ you are the only one who made me feel special even though I’m so tipsy, and the one who took me home even though you’re so drunk…Hay!! Those were the days when I thought that you could feel the same way too…those days when I thought that it’s possible for someone like you to love me too…Coz I DID LOVE YOU you know!!! In my own little way, with all the love that I knew I had…though I AM SORRY that I have destroyed the best thing I could have with you by feeling what I felt. I wish I didn’t now, coz it has cost me a great friendship that shouldn’t have been destroyed by love…but what is done is done…and all I could wish for right now is for you to be happy, wherever you are, whatever you choose. I would always have your best interest in my heart…Thank you for bringing a little piece of joy in my life”

my valentne birthday...

2006-05-10T13:57:00.000+08:00

(am reposting this from my other blog site...)

February 15, 2006Ah! My birthday is over!!! Im officially 23! Gosh, that’s an odd age! But no matter how odd my age is, this was one of my best birthdays ever! Had a nice surprise from Justine and Trina after we had fondue at the Old Swiss Inn (I admit the place wasn’t all that nice! But damn the chocolate fondue was HEAVEN!!!). I was all ready for bed and thankful for the wonderful day I had and then there’s TRINA and JUSTINE knocking on my door with 2 pints of ice cream and candles!!! So sweet! Am so blessed with my friends!I love my birthday! I get so giddy right after Christmas coz I know my birthday’s coming up soon!!! Hehehe! My one special day of the year, where everybody would celebrate (and I mean everybody! All over the world! Hahaha!). And everybody would do whatever I want coz it’s my day!!! My friend D is laughing at me coz of the way I celebrate my birthday! She says am like a celebrity who have birthday months instead of just a birthday! But who can blame me, I have the same birthday as Kris Aquino, I’m bound to feel really special!!! What can I do, I was brought up that way! My family’s forever wish for me is that I find someone special who would love me as much as I love all of them!!! Haha! I love my family and I love that they worry that I would turn out to be an old lonely spinster! But really they shouldn’t! So long as I have them and I have my friends, I’ll never have a lonely Valentines birthday!!!’

2005-11-04T23:50:00.000+08:00

August 7, 2005

OF LOVE AND CATWALKS….

I watched my friend’s fashion show the other day. At the end of the show, as the designer’s where walking down the catwalk and receiving gifts from friends and loved ones, I realized something…that love is pretty much like walking down the catwalk at the end of the show. Some people walk knowing that at the end, someone is waiting for them there. Some, not really intending to walk all the way to the end, but still do so because the someone waiting for them at the end beckons them to. Others, like my friend, just happily walking to the end, not really caring if she gets something or not, but in the middle of her walk, before she even gets to the end, her someone springs out by surprise, I guess this is the best love of all. But for others, they do the walk, but no one is there waiting for them at the end... sad, sad, sad....but the important thing is to meke the walk, and see what's in store for you...

Feeling: still hopeful, ever so hopeful!

My Nanay Memories

2005-03-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

(wrote this August 22, 2004, for fear that I won't have any memories of her left if I try too much to forget...)

I had the best nanay in the world! I am so lucky to have been blessed with a mom like her! She just let me be me, no expectations, no pressures, she just wanted me to be whoever I wanted to be. I’m confident that whatever it is that I do, my mom would always be proud of me! I truly believe that the only people capable of giving pure unconditional love are moms’…coz my mom gave that to my brother and me. I miss my mom so much! And sometimes I just try to forget that she is not here anymore! People think that I’m strong, but really, everyday I try to push mom thoughts at the back of my brain so I could go out in the world okay! It’s tough losing someone you love! You are constantly caught between remembering and trying to forget! The former hurts a lot but the latter needs a lot of effort and in the end, you just end up remembering!

I remember, one time, I blamed her of depriving me the pleasure of going to Nayong Pilipino when I was young coz she didn’t let me join the fieldtrip! And she told me, “but look where I brought you!” Indeed, I was able to see the Mayon Volcano for real; I have a picture at the Ma. Cristina Falls; I went to Boracay even before it became famous, I was at Camiguin and our most recent trip was in Cebu. I went places with my mom! I went places because of my mom! She was my bestfriend. I cannot remember when we started to be real close but I do remember the times when I was in high school and we would stay up late just talking and laughing…and when we would meet and go home together after school. God I miss those days! One time, I was walking around SM North EDSA, for the first time after she died and I suddenly felt the urge to just cry. Coz that’s where my mom and me meet up whenever we would go home together. And she would always know where I am, at the National Bookstore, right by the Romance novels shelf. My mom was the closest person in the world to me. She was the only one who knows who I am…little did I know that the me that I know was the me that she knows. My whole identity revolves around her, and now that she’s gone, I don’t know me anymore.

I miss my mom so much!!!! Everything that’s happening seem to have lost their meaning coz she is not here anymore. I felt empty when I graduated coz the one person that mattered, the one person that would have been the proudest wasn’t there! I would’ve given anything just for her to be with us again…but that’s how death goes! It is so final! There is no going back…I love my mom more than anything in this world…and now that she’s not here anymore, what else do I live for? Now, no one understands me…no one is happy for me…no one prays for me…anymore!

This is our song, my mom and I, I remember her teaching me to sing this song…it was the same time that she decided that I’m hopeless at singing…

SOMEONE’S WAITING FOR YOU

Be brave Little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you
Don’t cry Little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’d be part of a love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith Little one
‘Til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you

One funny thing about my mom is that she’s always pushing me to go have a boyfriend. I remember there was this one time that she was pimping me to someone…it was so funny…and embarrassing! I was hiding in my room when the guy came to our house coz my mom’s been building him up for the last two hours, so I had the idea of what’s comin’ up. When the guy came, I keep hearing her dropping my name in their conversation…it was so embarrassing I just had to go out for it to stop. In the end, after the guy left, she said that a relationship with him wouldn’t have worked out…coz HE was too KIND for ME!!! Way to go mom!

During my 18th birthday, this was her card for me:

Everdearest tessa,

You have grown into a fine young lady, you know what you want and you’re determined to reach them. May our Good Lord bless you and never allow anything to hinder you from achieving your dreams. HAPPY 18th birthday! Tanda ka na wa ka pa bf, don’t worry all things will fall into its proper place…in time!

nanay

Now, there is a “Nanay-sized-hole” in my life…and nothing and nobody could fill in that hole. In Elizabeth Berg’s OPEN HOUSE, there was this thought that echoes exactly what I feel:

“Nothing has rushed in to fill this void; there are no natural laws to make for an adjustment; humans are stupider than nature. I just have to go through this, that’s all. By myself. It’s all up to me, THINGS ARE TOO MUCH UP TO ME AND I DON’T LIKE IT. It’s not exhilarating, It is not an opportunity to “grow”. It is hard work; scary; LONELY STUFF; and I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!”

But I know I could never have it back! NEVER AGAIN :c

just thinking aloud...

2005-03-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

I was on drama mode yesterday! I remembered mom kasi…la lang…just one of those moments where all memories, even happy memories, makes me sad…death does that to someone, specially the one left behind…HAAAAYYY!!!

I emphatize with my friend Yeng, her perfect guy passed away 2 months ago, before she even had the chance to tell her what she felt…oh life….when shit comes, it pours down so bad! It was just so sad…I hate seeing her that way, Yeng’s one of the best person I know, and she deserves to be happy, not like this…I wish I could do something…but I know that there really is nothing I could say or do that would make her pain go away…Life’s so sad sometimes…

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I was so reluctant to watch American Idol today! Coz I know that my Travis is gonna go home! Huhuhu! But I cannot believe that Nikko Smith is not in the Top Twelve!!! It broke my heart! It really did! At least for Travis I was ready. He’s a really really good singer! I love his voice! I was so sure he’s in the top twelve, damn! I don’t like that Scott guy…he doesn’t look good on TV…

Until the Real Thing Comes Along

2005-02-24T17:34:00.000+08:00

Until the Real Thing Comes Along

these are the questions of Elizabeth Berg's novel "Until the real thing comes along"...but i also ask the same questions myself...more so now than ever before....

I feel like all my life i've always been waiting for the real thing to come along...and still i am waiting...i van't bring myself to cmpromise...but maybe life is all about compromises...i don't know...