My Nanay Memories

(wrote this August 22, 2004, for fear that I won't have any memories of her left if I try too much to forget...)

I had the best nanay in the world! I am so lucky to have been blessed with a mom like her! She just let me be me, no expectations, no pressures, she just wanted me to be whoever I wanted to be. I’m confident that whatever it is that I do, my mom would always be proud of me! I truly believe that the only people capable of giving pure unconditional love are moms’…coz my mom gave that to my brother and me. I miss my mom so much! And sometimes I just try to forget that she is not here anymore! People think that I’m strong, but really, everyday I try to push mom thoughts at the back of my brain so I could go out in the world okay! It’s tough losing someone you love! You are constantly caught between remembering and trying to forget! The former hurts a lot but the latter needs a lot of effort and in the end, you just end up remembering!


I remember, one time, I blamed her of depriving me the pleasure of going to Nayong Pilipino when I was young coz she didn’t let me join the fieldtrip! And she told me, “but look where I brought you!” Indeed, I was able to see the Mayon Volcano for real; I have a picture at the Ma. Cristina Falls; I went to Boracay even before it became famous, I was at Camiguin and our most recent trip was in Cebu. I went places with my mom! I went places because of my mom! She was my bestfriend. I cannot remember when we started to be real close but I do remember the times when I was in high school and we would stay up late just talking and laughing…and when we would meet and go home together after school. God I miss those days! One time, I was walking around SM North EDSA, for the first time after she died and I suddenly felt the urge to just cry. Coz that’s where my mom and me meet up whenever we would go home together. And she would always know where I am, at the National Bookstore, right by the Romance novels shelf. My mom was the closest person in the world to me. She was the only one who knows who I am…little did I know that the me that I know was the me that she knows. My whole identity revolves around her, and now that she’s gone, I don’t know me anymore.


I miss my mom so much!!!! Everything that’s happening seem to have lost their meaning coz she is not here anymore. I felt empty when I graduated coz the one person that mattered, the one person that would have been the proudest wasn’t there! I would’ve given anything just for her to be with us again…but that’s how death goes! It is so final! There is no going back…I love my mom more than anything in this world…and now that she’s not here anymore, what else do I live for? Now, no one understands me…no one is happy for me…no one prays for me…anymore!


This is our song, my mom and I, I remember her teaching me to sing this song…it was the same time that she decided that I’m hopeless at singing…

SOMEONE’S WAITING FOR YOU

Be brave Little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you
Don’t cry Little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’d be part of a love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith Little one
‘Til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you


One funny thing about my mom is that she’s always pushing me to go have a boyfriend. I remember there was this one time that she was pimping me to someone…it was so funny…and embarrassing! I was hiding in my room when the guy came to our house coz my mom’s been building him up for the last two hours, so I had the idea of what’s comin’ up. When the guy came, I keep hearing her dropping my name in their conversation…it was so embarrassing I just had to go out for it to stop. In the end, after the guy left, she said that a relationship with him wouldn’t have worked out…coz HE was too KIND for ME!!! Way to go mom!

During my 18th birthday, this was her card for me:

Everdearest tessa,

You have grown into a fine young lady, you know what you want and you’re determined to reach them. May our Good Lord bless you and never allow anything to hinder you from achieving your dreams. HAPPY 18th birthday! Tanda ka na wa ka pa bf, don’t worry all things will fall into its proper place…in time!

nanay


Now, there is a “Nanay-sized-hole” in my life…and nothing and nobody could fill in that hole. In Elizabeth Berg’s OPEN HOUSE, there was this thought that echoes exactly what I feel:

“Nothing has rushed in to fill this void; there are no natural laws to make for an adjustment; humans are stupider than nature. I just have to go through this, that’s all. By myself. It’s all up to me, THINGS ARE TOO MUCH UP TO ME AND I DON’T LIKE IT. It’s not exhilarating, It is not an opportunity to “grow”. It is hard work; scary; LONELY STUFF; and I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!”

But I know I could never have it back! NEVER AGAIN :c