my happy thought...

the other day, my friend was ranting that we don't have anymore happy thoughts...i begged to differ so she asked me for my happy thought...it took me a while to remember (as it always did! :) hahaha!...) but here it goes, my happy thought for the year...i wrote this in my journal the last day of my birthday month (damn! that was too long ago i know, but i just got my internet connection back so cut me some slack...hehehe!)

February 27, 2006

MY ONE HAPPY THOUGHT…

Tomorrow is the last day of my birthday month! :c But, gotta admit, my 23rd was one of my best birthdays ever! I felt really special during my day, spending it with my family and my friends made it all worthwhile!!! And the chocolate fondue was just oh so heavenly!!!

And this last Friday, February 24, I got the best birthday gift ever.

You begin growing up when you start letting your dreams die. And dreams die when you settle for something less than what you want and deserve. Over the years, certain circumstances have forced me to grow up! The beauty of it though is when you give up and lose all the time, the moment you get something you’ve dreamt of for so long, you feel so much alive again and everything seems so beautiful and nothing is impossible anymore.

When my brother and I found out that WWE RAW would come here in Manila, it was a dream come true…this is a once in a lifetime event that is so impossible to pass up…we knew we would be there…we bought tickets and even gate crashed at the press conference of Mick Foley at Gateway (hahaha! No pun intended! Another happy thought, so surreal, but really nice…). At the day of the event, Manila was under the State of Emergency, and just when you thought that all civil actions would be concentrated at EDSA, lo and behold…there was a riot of police and protesters at CUBAO…of all places! We almost did not make it to the show…but again, it is something we dare not miss…so after so much drama…we finally arrived at Araneta…

And as if fate is giving us the entrance that the occasion deserves, pyros went up as we were sneaking in the Patron entrance…yes we sneaked in at the 10K with our 3K worth tickets…amazing right! We were shouting and hugging and shouting! Everything was so unbelievably surreal. As if being at ringside was not enough of a lucky break, we even ended up officially having seats because the mom beside us gave us the seats of her two daughters who she said would be standing up through the whole program…

The show was so amazing…seeing those wrestlers, Eugene, Big Show, Ric Flair, they are the guys I watch religiously on TV eversince I was a kid! It was just so amazing! And it has to be said, Triple H is the bomb! His presence was so electrifying…literally the whole crowd was just so overwhelmed when he entered…Angas!

This is one event that would forever be in my memory! Heck if ever I have to produce one mean Patronus, this would be the memory in my mind! This is the happy thought that would make me fly…

No More Excuses...

Yesterday marked the first year anniversary of RockEd Philippines...this is an organzation that I am so proud to be a part of...in my own little way...I know that in every RockEd event I went to, I am doing my small part in nation building... and that small contribution means a lot to my compromised nationalist self...

My pledge from now on is to make less excuses...less excuses in giving back to my country... less excuses in contributing to society... take more action in the RockEd dream of having a more just Philippine society... take more action in helping others live in dignity... take more action in showing my love for my country...

Congrats RockEd!!! Rock on!!!

crazy shit...

it's one frustrating event after another...i was so pushed to the limit...i could only handle so much...but when it rains...it really pours down on me...shit...

the good thing is, my friends are forever there to make shitty thing seem so funny...i'm so blessed with the best friends there are in this whole wide world...so no matter how crazy things in life might get... i would forever be comforted by the fact the my friends are crazier...hahaha!

I Pray...

I was in a real serious conversation with one of my bestfriend a few days ago...about my love life!!! Seriously! Hahaha! I think that she was really worried that I still haven't found what I'm looking for...Twenty Three years and nothing still...

It's lonely at times yes...but I have my friends and family...I'm still never totally alone...and I'm fairly happy with my life right now...honestly not looking for that thing yet...but everybody's getting worried already, my friend's, my family...I don't know...should I be worried?

The other day, I told another friend that maybe I'm too bad already...so bad that God is telling me na that "Tessa you're so bad, You'd die alone!!!" Hahaha!!!

My bestfriend was telling me that maybe Im just too choosy, that maybe I don't give it a shot, too reserved looking for that perfect guy! I'm not! I just don't want want to settle for something less than what I feel I deserve...There's already so many things in my life where I've compromised...I refuse to compromise this one...

My officemates told me that I really shouldn't go looking for love...I should just pray for him...not pray for him to come soon...but really pray for him, to pray that God keep him safe always, whoever he is, wherever he may be...Nice no! i think I'll do that...that would be my prayer...

Lately, there are moments in my life when i want to just drop everything, for my own self preservation, and run faraway!!! Sometimes I just want to stop thinking about others and just be selfish...BUT I CAN'T! I'm just not wired that way...thankfully!! Coz my friend was right, the gratification of doing something that would make a friend truly happy is INCOMPARABLE!!!

Best wishes to my good friend Girlie and her new husband Rennie! Thanks for letting me take part in your wedding! The preparation was stressful, the stress was a rush, and the rush was worth all the stress!!! Good luck to your new life!!!

I've found what I want to do...this is it...celebrating life...joining in other people's momentuos life events! Life is too short to bother yourself with mindless concerns...CELEBRATE, it's the only way to LIVE!!!

FEAR...

I've just realized that I have lived a very sheltered life...My mom did as best as she could to protect me from all the harsh realities of the world...Not surprisingly, I,ve lived my life like a child, without fear or qualms, because I know, that everything would turn out alright in the end...Unfortunately, when my mom passed away, my shield was gone and I suddenly find myself beset with all sorts of fear...fear of the unknown, fear for my health, fear for my family's wellbeing, fear that i'm only just living a half life, fear that I am not the person I thought I was, fear of failure, fear of fear...

My friend told me that the only thing that's keeping me from what i want is fear...she told me that I only have to summon my courage so I can get out of where I am and move on to greater things...but i can't find my courage...i might have spent it all trying to be ok when mom was sick...or i might never had any courage at all, just the illusion of it...where do i find it? the yellow brick road remains unseen and i still don't have my ruby slippers...

When the pain of not doing something becomes more painful than the fear of doing it, that's the time when you know that you can't put it off much longer...that's when you know that you have to act on it...or you'd die a little

SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

carpe diem...

such a cliche but with so much truth in it...i've known this fact for so long and yet i still drift through life as though i have all the time in the world...i waste my time waiting and waiting, until the real thing comes along...and making tiny compromises along the way, until I realized that I am less the person that I was...that I have slowly lost myself in the process of making those tiny compromises...

so where do i go from here????

Without HOPE or AGENDA...

March 24, 2006

TO THE ONE THAT NEVER WAS....Hay!!! I miss him!!! Every time I meEt someone who is not as good as he is, I MISS HIM!!! Has he become the man I compare everyone else against? I never realized that it had come to that! But somehow that has become the case…When I saw again for the nth time “Love Actually”, I found myself crying for the first time at the part portraying the ‘unrequited love’, coz perhaps that’s the only love I know!!! When that guy admitted to his best friend’s wife, without hope or agenda, that he loves her, I was crying my hearts out. I found myself wanting to let that someone know, WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA, that I did love him and he made my life happier just by being the someone who made me smile everytime he wakes me up and made me feel kilig with the smallest of things, by being that one friend who worries whether I get home safe or not!!! I miss you so much everytime I’m with someone who can’t possibly compare to you, and what’s worst, I miss you even for no reason at all…So here it is… my placard for what was almost but not quite there…to the one that got away…

“ you are the only one who made me feel special even though I’m so tipsy, and the one who took me home even though you’re so drunk…Hay!! Those were the days when I thought that you could feel the same way too…those days when I thought that it’s possible for someone like you to love me too…Coz I DID LOVE YOU you know!!! In my own little way, with all the love that I knew I had…though I AM SORRY that I have destroyed the best thing I could have with you by feeling what I felt. I wish I didn’t now, coz it has cost me a great friendship that shouldn’t have been destroyed by love…but what is done is done…and all I could wish for right now is for you to be happy, wherever you are, whatever you choose. I would always have your best interest in my heart…Thank you for bringing a little piece of joy in my life”

my valentne birthday...

(am reposting this from my other blog site...)

February 15, 2006Ah! My birthday is over!!! Im officially 23! Gosh, that’s an odd age! But no matter how odd my age is, this was one of my best birthdays ever! Had a nice surprise from Justine and Trina after we had fondue at the Old Swiss Inn (I admit the place wasn’t all that nice! But damn the chocolate fondue was HEAVEN!!!). I was all ready for bed and thankful for the wonderful day I had and then there’s TRINA and JUSTINE knocking on my door with 2 pints of ice cream and candles!!! So sweet! Am so blessed with my friends!I love my birthday! I get so giddy right after Christmas coz I know my birthday’s coming up soon!!! Hehehe! My one special day of the year, where everybody would celebrate (and I mean everybody! All over the world! Hahaha!). And everybody would do whatever I want coz it’s my day!!! My friend D is laughing at me coz of the way I celebrate my birthday! She says am like a celebrity who have birthday months instead of just a birthday! But who can blame me, I have the same birthday as Kris Aquino, I’m bound to feel really special!!! What can I do, I was brought up that way! My family’s forever wish for me is that I find someone special who would love me as much as I love all of them!!! Haha! I love my family and I love that they worry that I would turn out to be an old lonely spinster! But really they shouldn’t! So long as I have them and I have my friends, I’ll never have a lonely Valentines birthday!!!’

August 7, 2005

OF LOVE AND CATWALKS….

I watched my friend’s fashion show the other day. At the end of the show, as the designer’s where walking down the catwalk and receiving gifts from friends and loved ones, I realized something…that love is pretty much like walking down the catwalk at the end of the show. Some people walk knowing that at the end, someone is waiting for them there. Some, not really intending to walk all the way to the end, but still do so because the someone waiting for them at the end beckons them to. Others, like my friend, just happily walking to the end, not really caring if she gets something or not, but in the middle of her walk, before she even gets to the end, her someone springs out by surprise, I guess this is the best love of all. But for others, they do the walk, but no one is there waiting for them at the end... sad, sad, sad....but the important thing is to meke the walk, and see what's in store for you...

Feeling: still hopeful, ever so hopeful!