BREATH...JUST BREATH...

I can't breath...it's so difficult...soooo tiring!!! Now i'm really not fine! I haven't been fine for a while...my life is not fine! This is the reason i take life a day at a time...no long term planning...no over thinking...cause everytime i try and examine it...it's crazy...it's scary...it's damaged! Sooo damaged!!! i don't know if it can even be repaired...if anyone can fix it...can fix me! I can't breath! I am not even sure if i want to...

*if i was drowning...i would have drowned...too bad i don't have a McDreamy to save me... :(

SCARY AND DAMAGED

Been "blog"gone for a while, actually been "blog"gone for a year!!! And to think that during that period I've had three plane rides - to Bohol, Boracay, and Hong Kong; transferred houses AND workplace; celebrated a birthday; been wrongfully accused of being a mistress; actually thought of being a mistress (changed my mind 5 seconds after though, oh and am talking bout two different guys!); learned how to flirt; learned how to stop flirting; had a death in the family...oh and that's just to name a few of the bloggable things i should've blogged about! But oh well, i've just had my DSL installed so you'll soon be hearing all the other menial things happening in my life! Hahaha!



Now to the scary and damaged part...

I've always had the tendency to be an escapist! And I have lots of false memories! Scary combination! Makes me delusional at times. And sometimes it shocks me when reality happens! Like this family drama with my dad that I keep on not remembering and I never want to talk about. But sometimes, reality catches up with you and you have no choice but to face it... It caught up with me this afternoon and, like the escapist that I am, I will face it tomorrow.

How about that for a "come back" blog?

P.S.
Saw at E! that Angelina Jolie and I have this thing in common! DAMN!!! Why couldn't it have been Brad?!?

P.P.S.
I know you guys will be worried when you read this, but I'm FINE! And that's not the escapist me talking...It's the cold, scary and damaged me... Just kidding! I'm fine! SERIOUSLY!!! :)

MIGS

para sa mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal ng lubusan, sobra sobra hanggang sa dumating na sa punto na ubos na ang sarili nila...

para sa mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal ng mga taong may mahal ng iba...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagmamahal ng mga taong di karapat-dapat mahalin...

para sa mga kaibigan nagmamahal na lang ng mga taong di naman talga nila mahal...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagmamahal dahil takot sila magisa...

para sa mga kaibigan kong nagpapakababa ng sarili para lang hindi mawala ang mga taong mahal nila...

para sa mga kaibigan kong laging nagpaparaya sa mga mahal nilang ni minsan ay di nagparaya para sa kanila...

para sa inyo itong lahat...

ANG PINAKAMASARAP NA MAGMAHAL AT MAHALIN AY ANG ATING MGA SARILI! NANINIWALA PA RIN AKO NA HINDI MO KELANGAN NG LALAKE PARA MAGING LUBUSANG MASAYA AT KUMPLETO ANG BUHAY MO. KELANGAN MO LANG PASAYAHIN AT MAHALIN ANG SARILI MO. HANAPIN MO ANG IYONG MGA PANGARAP ATTUPARIN MONG LAHAT ITO! UTANG MO YUN SA SARILI MO...SA BUHAY MO! AT KUNG MAKAKAKITA KA NG LALAKE NA SASAMAHAN KA SA PAGTUPAD NG MGA PANGARAP MO...MAGALING!

AT OO, MERONG GANUNG LALAKE NA HAHAYAAN KANG MAGING IKAW, AT MAMAHALIN KA DAHIL IKAW IKAW! MERON NUN! HINDI SYA ILUSYON O PANAGINIP! HINDI SYA SA LIBRO O SA TV LANG MAKIKITA!

WE ALL DESERVE TO BE LOVED AS MUCH AS WE LOVE OURSELVES! WE SHOULDN'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT!

like a bad relationship...

I was so decided to leave...it's not woth it anymore! I slave myself but in the end everything would still be my fault. I give all I have to give and all i get in return are more troubles than i could bear... EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH UP TO ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT! I wanna get iut so badly!

BUT! The thing is everything is up to me...everyone depends on me! It's up to me to make things better for everybody. And again my Superman comples kicks in!

A great task lies before me...I knew this from the very beginning...the problem is I still don't know how to accomplish this task. But what I do know is that if I leave, if I leave this people behind, it would only get worst!

so now i have to choose: to be selfish and run away for self preservation...or be selfless and sacrifice my freedom for the sake of these people I came to love...

rebel

was recently at a validation interview regarding this psych test i took...funny thing was it proved that i really am abnormal...hahaha...there was this one test there that would usually result to a V-shaped graph...and i think i'm the only one in the company to get the inverted V graph...hahaha...it means daw that i'm a rebel...a non-conformist...super glad! i thought i lost that feisty girl...but she's still there... hahaha!

totally bitched out on my boss the other day...and it felt so damn good! and this was before i even got the results of my psych test!

oh wellz...the only thing left for me to do is to get out of the dump i'm in and fly far away!!!

techie tech

finally got aroung to editing the look of my blog...and i gotta admit it's quite addicting!
so how d'ya like the new look of my blog? haha!
now if only i can find where the comments went and where my archive is...
ahm lal? Help!
Hahaha!

third wheeler

Everybody's hooking up with everyboy else...and as usual, i always end up as the third wheel!

Don't get me wrong, I'm sincerely happy for my friends who are finally experiencing their "kilig" moments...everyone needs that moment! Those moments that has you waking up smiling, those moments that make you feel loved...

I love the life I have right now...I love the freedom and independence...

But sometimes, just sometimes,

when i find myself sitting at dinner between a couple and a would-be couple,

it's just a wee bit sad to see that no one is sitting beside you!

It get's lonely at times when you get that phone call from a friend telling stories of her kilig moments and you don't have a moment of your own to rave about.

sometimes, I really just can't help but long for it...Haaaay!

but i guess it just comes with the vow to not settle for anything lesss that what i deserve...

that's why i'm still waiting...

and i'll never get tired of waiting...

until the real thing comes along...

and still my prayer is "Lord, please keep him safe!"

somewhere out there...

i received a real sad text from my friend yesterday...i so can feel her frustrations and loneliness...and i hate it that i can't do anything about it...i'm just too far away to give her the comfort that she needs...hay...growing up is such a sad lonely stage...

Superman

top 5 reasons why i LOVE superman...

5) because he's so damn HOT!!! and rarely weak (just around kryptonites, and admit it, it's a verrry rare stone...)

guess i need someone who would always be strong...someone who would insist to be strong for me eventhough i insist i can be strong for myself...

4) because he can turn back time...

3) because he's both Clark Kent AND Superman
the eternal paradox...opposite but the same...so reminds me of me...

2) because he made Lois fly...
can you read my mind....love that song! he shares his triumph with the one he loves and does not feel threatened by her success...he took her to the stars...

1) because he loved one woman so completely it is as though he would die without her...
for someone as strong as him, someone who can dodge bullets and carry the world...he depends his entire being on her...now that's love...

Dearest Justine,

was a bit teary eyed when i finished reading your blog

gosh i miss you so...

you never fail to make sad things look hopeful...

love you friend!

it's just life...

(wrote this last July 5, 2006)

I use to never cry at movies or TV soaps, but I had one good cry tonight when I saw the latest One Tree Hill episode...the one where Ellie died. And I mean its one good cry, not just a couple of sobs, but really cry my hearts out cry! The last time I cried like that was when I saw Stepmom...after mom! Just goes to show there’s only one thing in this world that could make me cry...DEATH. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to die...everybody dies! I know that. And dying could not be such a bad thing, right? But what makes me cry everytime someone dies in the movies is seeing the people they leave behind…and knowing how hard it’s gonna be for them to ever be happy again! One good thing Ellie said in that scene when she was comforting Peyton was to "focus on the living, every good song ends but it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the music... there's nothing to be afraid of...IT'S JUST LIFE!"

but i'm still afraid...:c God I miss my mom so much!!!