No More Excuses...

Yesterday marked the first year anniversary of RockEd Philippines...this is an organzation that I am so proud to be a part of...in my own little way...I know that in every RockEd event I went to, I am doing my small part in nation building... and that small contribution means a lot to my compromised nationalist self...

My pledge from now on is to make less excuses...less excuses in giving back to my country... less excuses in contributing to society... take more action in the RockEd dream of having a more just Philippine society... take more action in helping others live in dignity... take more action in showing my love for my country...

Congrats RockEd!!! Rock on!!!

crazy shit...

it's one frustrating event after another...i was so pushed to the limit...i could only handle so much...but when it rains...it really pours down on me...shit...

the good thing is, my friends are forever there to make shitty thing seem so funny...i'm so blessed with the best friends there are in this whole wide world...so no matter how crazy things in life might get... i would forever be comforted by the fact the my friends are crazier...hahaha!

I Pray...

I was in a real serious conversation with one of my bestfriend a few days ago...about my love life!!! Seriously! Hahaha! I think that she was really worried that I still haven't found what I'm looking for...Twenty Three years and nothing still...

It's lonely at times yes...but I have my friends and family...I'm still never totally alone...and I'm fairly happy with my life right now...honestly not looking for that thing yet...but everybody's getting worried already, my friend's, my family...I don't know...should I be worried?

The other day, I told another friend that maybe I'm too bad already...so bad that God is telling me na that "Tessa you're so bad, You'd die alone!!!" Hahaha!!!

My bestfriend was telling me that maybe Im just too choosy, that maybe I don't give it a shot, too reserved looking for that perfect guy! I'm not! I just don't want want to settle for something less than what I feel I deserve...There's already so many things in my life where I've compromised...I refuse to compromise this one...

My officemates told me that I really shouldn't go looking for love...I should just pray for him...not pray for him to come soon...but really pray for him, to pray that God keep him safe always, whoever he is, wherever he may be...Nice no! i think I'll do that...that would be my prayer...

Lately, there are moments in my life when i want to just drop everything, for my own self preservation, and run faraway!!! Sometimes I just want to stop thinking about others and just be selfish...BUT I CAN'T! I'm just not wired that way...thankfully!! Coz my friend was right, the gratification of doing something that would make a friend truly happy is INCOMPARABLE!!!

Best wishes to my good friend Girlie and her new husband Rennie! Thanks for letting me take part in your wedding! The preparation was stressful, the stress was a rush, and the rush was worth all the stress!!! Good luck to your new life!!!

I've found what I want to do...this is it...celebrating life...joining in other people's momentuos life events! Life is too short to bother yourself with mindless concerns...CELEBRATE, it's the only way to LIVE!!!

FEAR...

I've just realized that I have lived a very sheltered life...My mom did as best as she could to protect me from all the harsh realities of the world...Not surprisingly, I,ve lived my life like a child, without fear or qualms, because I know, that everything would turn out alright in the end...Unfortunately, when my mom passed away, my shield was gone and I suddenly find myself beset with all sorts of fear...fear of the unknown, fear for my health, fear for my family's wellbeing, fear that i'm only just living a half life, fear that I am not the person I thought I was, fear of failure, fear of fear...

My friend told me that the only thing that's keeping me from what i want is fear...she told me that I only have to summon my courage so I can get out of where I am and move on to greater things...but i can't find my courage...i might have spent it all trying to be ok when mom was sick...or i might never had any courage at all, just the illusion of it...where do i find it? the yellow brick road remains unseen and i still don't have my ruby slippers...

When the pain of not doing something becomes more painful than the fear of doing it, that's the time when you know that you can't put it off much longer...that's when you know that you have to act on it...or you'd die a little

SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

carpe diem...

such a cliche but with so much truth in it...i've known this fact for so long and yet i still drift through life as though i have all the time in the world...i waste my time waiting and waiting, until the real thing comes along...and making tiny compromises along the way, until I realized that I am less the person that I was...that I have slowly lost myself in the process of making those tiny compromises...

so where do i go from here????

Without HOPE or AGENDA...

March 24, 2006

TO THE ONE THAT NEVER WAS....Hay!!! I miss him!!! Every time I meEt someone who is not as good as he is, I MISS HIM!!! Has he become the man I compare everyone else against? I never realized that it had come to that! But somehow that has become the case…When I saw again for the nth time “Love Actually”, I found myself crying for the first time at the part portraying the ‘unrequited love’, coz perhaps that’s the only love I know!!! When that guy admitted to his best friend’s wife, without hope or agenda, that he loves her, I was crying my hearts out. I found myself wanting to let that someone know, WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA, that I did love him and he made my life happier just by being the someone who made me smile everytime he wakes me up and made me feel kilig with the smallest of things, by being that one friend who worries whether I get home safe or not!!! I miss you so much everytime I’m with someone who can’t possibly compare to you, and what’s worst, I miss you even for no reason at all…So here it is… my placard for what was almost but not quite there…to the one that got away…

“ you are the only one who made me feel special even though I’m so tipsy, and the one who took me home even though you’re so drunk…Hay!! Those were the days when I thought that you could feel the same way too…those days when I thought that it’s possible for someone like you to love me too…Coz I DID LOVE YOU you know!!! In my own little way, with all the love that I knew I had…though I AM SORRY that I have destroyed the best thing I could have with you by feeling what I felt. I wish I didn’t now, coz it has cost me a great friendship that shouldn’t have been destroyed by love…but what is done is done…and all I could wish for right now is for you to be happy, wherever you are, whatever you choose. I would always have your best interest in my heart…Thank you for bringing a little piece of joy in my life”

my valentne birthday...

(am reposting this from my other blog site...)

February 15, 2006Ah! My birthday is over!!! Im officially 23! Gosh, that’s an odd age! But no matter how odd my age is, this was one of my best birthdays ever! Had a nice surprise from Justine and Trina after we had fondue at the Old Swiss Inn (I admit the place wasn’t all that nice! But damn the chocolate fondue was HEAVEN!!!). I was all ready for bed and thankful for the wonderful day I had and then there’s TRINA and JUSTINE knocking on my door with 2 pints of ice cream and candles!!! So sweet! Am so blessed with my friends!I love my birthday! I get so giddy right after Christmas coz I know my birthday’s coming up soon!!! Hehehe! My one special day of the year, where everybody would celebrate (and I mean everybody! All over the world! Hahaha!). And everybody would do whatever I want coz it’s my day!!! My friend D is laughing at me coz of the way I celebrate my birthday! She says am like a celebrity who have birthday months instead of just a birthday! But who can blame me, I have the same birthday as Kris Aquino, I’m bound to feel really special!!! What can I do, I was brought up that way! My family’s forever wish for me is that I find someone special who would love me as much as I love all of them!!! Haha! I love my family and I love that they worry that I would turn out to be an old lonely spinster! But really they shouldn’t! So long as I have them and I have my friends, I’ll never have a lonely Valentines birthday!!!’

August 7, 2005

OF LOVE AND CATWALKS….

I watched my friend’s fashion show the other day. At the end of the show, as the designer’s where walking down the catwalk and receiving gifts from friends and loved ones, I realized something…that love is pretty much like walking down the catwalk at the end of the show. Some people walk knowing that at the end, someone is waiting for them there. Some, not really intending to walk all the way to the end, but still do so because the someone waiting for them at the end beckons them to. Others, like my friend, just happily walking to the end, not really caring if she gets something or not, but in the middle of her walk, before she even gets to the end, her someone springs out by surprise, I guess this is the best love of all. But for others, they do the walk, but no one is there waiting for them at the end... sad, sad, sad....but the important thing is to meke the walk, and see what's in store for you...

Feeling: still hopeful, ever so hopeful!

My Nanay Memories

(wrote this August 22, 2004, for fear that I won't have any memories of her left if I try too much to forget...)

I had the best nanay in the world! I am so lucky to have been blessed with a mom like her! She just let me be me, no expectations, no pressures, she just wanted me to be whoever I wanted to be. I’m confident that whatever it is that I do, my mom would always be proud of me! I truly believe that the only people capable of giving pure unconditional love are moms’…coz my mom gave that to my brother and me. I miss my mom so much! And sometimes I just try to forget that she is not here anymore! People think that I’m strong, but really, everyday I try to push mom thoughts at the back of my brain so I could go out in the world okay! It’s tough losing someone you love! You are constantly caught between remembering and trying to forget! The former hurts a lot but the latter needs a lot of effort and in the end, you just end up remembering!


I remember, one time, I blamed her of depriving me the pleasure of going to Nayong Pilipino when I was young coz she didn’t let me join the fieldtrip! And she told me, “but look where I brought you!” Indeed, I was able to see the Mayon Volcano for real; I have a picture at the Ma. Cristina Falls; I went to Boracay even before it became famous, I was at Camiguin and our most recent trip was in Cebu. I went places with my mom! I went places because of my mom! She was my bestfriend. I cannot remember when we started to be real close but I do remember the times when I was in high school and we would stay up late just talking and laughing…and when we would meet and go home together after school. God I miss those days! One time, I was walking around SM North EDSA, for the first time after she died and I suddenly felt the urge to just cry. Coz that’s where my mom and me meet up whenever we would go home together. And she would always know where I am, at the National Bookstore, right by the Romance novels shelf. My mom was the closest person in the world to me. She was the only one who knows who I am…little did I know that the me that I know was the me that she knows. My whole identity revolves around her, and now that she’s gone, I don’t know me anymore.


I miss my mom so much!!!! Everything that’s happening seem to have lost their meaning coz she is not here anymore. I felt empty when I graduated coz the one person that mattered, the one person that would have been the proudest wasn’t there! I would’ve given anything just for her to be with us again…but that’s how death goes! It is so final! There is no going back…I love my mom more than anything in this world…and now that she’s not here anymore, what else do I live for? Now, no one understands me…no one is happy for me…no one prays for me…anymore!


This is our song, my mom and I, I remember her teaching me to sing this song…it was the same time that she decided that I’m hopeless at singing…

SOMEONE’S WAITING FOR YOU

Be brave Little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you
Don’t cry Little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’d be part of a love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith Little one
‘Til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you


One funny thing about my mom is that she’s always pushing me to go have a boyfriend. I remember there was this one time that she was pimping me to someone…it was so funny…and embarrassing! I was hiding in my room when the guy came to our house coz my mom’s been building him up for the last two hours, so I had the idea of what’s comin’ up. When the guy came, I keep hearing her dropping my name in their conversation…it was so embarrassing I just had to go out for it to stop. In the end, after the guy left, she said that a relationship with him wouldn’t have worked out…coz HE was too KIND for ME!!! Way to go mom!

During my 18th birthday, this was her card for me:

Everdearest tessa,

You have grown into a fine young lady, you know what you want and you’re determined to reach them. May our Good Lord bless you and never allow anything to hinder you from achieving your dreams. HAPPY 18th birthday! Tanda ka na wa ka pa bf, don’t worry all things will fall into its proper place…in time!

nanay


Now, there is a “Nanay-sized-hole” in my life…and nothing and nobody could fill in that hole. In Elizabeth Berg’s OPEN HOUSE, there was this thought that echoes exactly what I feel:

“Nothing has rushed in to fill this void; there are no natural laws to make for an adjustment; humans are stupider than nature. I just have to go through this, that’s all. By myself. It’s all up to me, THINGS ARE TOO MUCH UP TO ME AND I DON’T LIKE IT. It’s not exhilarating, It is not an opportunity to “grow”. It is hard work; scary; LONELY STUFF; and I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!”

But I know I could never have it back! NEVER AGAIN :c